When Baby Dies

Parents feel every sort of way when they lose a child. There is no wrong way to feel. Anger, Depression, Sadness are most common, but Farrales et al (2020) reported an account where a mother was overwhelmingly proud of having her baby. There is no wrong way to feel when you lose your child and your feelings will change over time.

Page 2: Causes

Dead babies are a lot more common than people think. In 2022, 1 out of every 115 births in Canada was a stillbirth (Statistics Canada, 2022). Over 3000 Canadian families grieve for their infant each year. You aren't alone.

Frustratingly, many parents never find out why their child died. Most stillbirths have unknown causes, and SIDS deaths have been difficult to characterize as well. You can request an autopsy. They will examine your child and (if applicable) the placenta. We hope you find answers that help you grieve.

Page 3: Time with your Baby

There is a short window to interact with your baby. Many parents come to appreciate being able to perform acts of parenting for their child after the child has died (Farrales et al, 2020).

You may or may not want to interact with your baby immediately. You may even be scared to see your baby. Conflicted emotions are normal. For parents of stillborn children, the only memories you will have of your child will be the ones you make after they pass. It is common for the parents of stillborn children to regret not holding or spending time more time with their baby.

Page 4: Parents Speak

It is a powerful experience to have another grieving parent listen and understand your story and understand. They can share their stories, strategies and hope. They persisted, you can too.

The pain of losing your child never goes away. Progress can be slow, at first, but it does get better over time. It was described by one parent "Things never returned to how they were before, but the new normal gradually became less and less painful until I was living a more or less regular life again".

Please reach out to the organizations in our Resources section. They can connect you with peer support.

Page 5: Reactions from Others

An unexpected pain, for many grieving parents is the non-understanding of others. People will not know what to say to you. In response, they may apply religious tropes or trivialize your loss. In truth, there is not much they can say that will help, but some of the things they say will hurt. Some people will disappear for a few months then reappear at your life without ever mentioning your loss.

It's also a constant assault, that for weeks you will have to tell everyone who knew about your pregnancy or your child what happened.

There is not much for it, sadly. Loss clarifies who your friends truely are. It is important to embrace and appreciate the truly wonderful people in your life. Look out for those who ask you how you are doing and really want to listen to the answer. See the neighbour who keeps checking in and offering childcare, or the friend who keeps coming by even though it's mainly awkward silence and crying. You can make new, lasting friendships with other grieving parents.

Page 6: Relationships

Trauma is hard on relationships. Many couples have difficulty due to the differences in how they grieve (Waugh, 2018). You are both in pain, communication is more important than ever. It can be helpful to seek out counselling to talk about your loss before relationship strain occurs.

Siblings can suffer in school following the death of their sibling (Beaumont, 2018). There are several books designed to help you broach the subject of death with children. They can help when talking to your kids. I (Shawn) recommend When Dinosaurs Die by Laurie and Marc Brown (of Arthur fame) and Lifetimes by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen.

Resources

References

Beaumont, M. (2018). The effect of loss on learning: The stillborn sibling. In H. High (Ed.), Why can’t I Help this Child to Learn? (1st ed., pp. 59–69). Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9780429485015-6

Bloomer, M. J., O’Connor, M., Copnell, B., & Endacott, R. (2015). Nursing care for the families of the dying child/infant in paediatric and neonatal ICU: Nurses’ emotional talk and sources of discomfort. A mixed methods study. Australian Critical Care, 28(2), 87–92. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.aucc.2015.01.002

Casper, M. J. (2022). Babylost: Racism, survival, and the quiet politics of infant mortality, from A to Z. Rutgers University Press.

Côté-Arsenault, D., Leerkes, E. M. & Zhou, N. (2020). Individual differences in maternal, marital, parenting and child outcomes following perinatal loss: a longitudinal study. Journal of Reproductive & Infant Psychology, 38(1), 3-15. https://doi.org/10.1080/02646838.2019.1579897

Farrales, L. L., Cacciatore, J., Jonas-Simpson, C., Dharamsi, S., Ascher, J., & Klein, M. C. (2020). What bereaved parents want health care providers to know when their babies are stillborn: A community-based participatory study. BMC Psychology, 8(1), 18. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-020-0385-x

Gilbert, N. L., Fell, D. B., Joseph, K. S., Liu, S., León, J. A., & Sauve, R. (2012). Temporal trends in sudden infant death syndrome in Canada from 1991 to 2005: Contribution of changes in cause of death assignment practices and in maternal and infant characteristics. Paediatric and Perinatal Epidemiology, 26(2), 124–130. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1365-3016.2011.01248.x

Hunter Medical Research Institute (HMRI) (Director). (2022, March 21). Understanding Stillbirth: A Patient Resource. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26iH16r25kY

McDonough, M. R. & Leone-Sheehan, D. (2015). "You're on a rollercoaster, just hold on": the lived experience of the dyad following a fetal death. Research & Theory for Nursing Practice, 37(4), 406-422. https://doi.org/10.1891/RTNP-2023-0037

O’Leary, J. (2015). Subsequent pregnancy: Healing to attach after perinatal loss. BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth, 15(S1), A15, 1471-2393-15-S1-A15. https://doi.org/10.1186/1471-2393-15-S1-A15

Paris, G. F., Montigny, F. D., & Pelloso, S. M. (2021). Professional practice in caring for maternal grief in the face of stillbirth in two countries. Revista Brasileira de Enfermagem, 74(3), e20200253. https://doi.org/10.1590/0034-7167-2020-0253

Reed, R. V. (2011). Don’t forget bereaved siblings. BMJ, 342(may03 2), d2705–d2705. https://doi.org/10.1136/bmj.d2705

Ssegujja, E., Ddumba, I., & Andipatin, M. (2023). An exploration of health workers’ experiences in providing bereavement care to mothers following a stillbirth: Results from a subnational level health system in Uganda. BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth, 23(1), 588. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12884-023-05913-x

Statistics Canada (2022). Live births and fetal deaths. https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/t1/tbl1/en/tv.action?pid=1310042801

Stillbirth: How Common, Causes, Symptoms & Support. (n.d.). Cleveland Clinic. Retrieved November 28, 2023, from https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9685-stillbirth

Waugh, A., Kiemle, G., & Slade, P. (2018). Understanding mothers’ experiences of positive changes after neonatal death. European Journal of Psychotraumatology, 9(1), 1528124. https://doi.org/10.1080/20008198.2018.1528124

What causes stillbirth? Risk factors, signs, prevention, and support. (n.d.). BabyCenter. Retrieved November 28, 2023, from https://www.babycenter.com/pregnancy/health-and-safety/understanding-stillbirth_10350846

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Page 1: Feelings